Review: Ultionus
Ultionus: A Tale of Petty Revenge by Last Dimension!

Ultionus: A Tale of Petty Revenge by Last Dimension!

Ultionus: A Tale of Petty Revenge is a retro action/adventure shooter with some platform elements that is very tongue-in-cheek. At its surface, one may think that Ultionus is taking the “sex sells” approach by putting us in the cliche role of a buxom heroine, but very early on it’s made clear that the game’s story is all for the lulz. The story of Ultionus begins with our heroine, Serena, getting trolled on “Spacebook”, as “Space Prince” replies to her status with “”Bitch WTF U doin outside the kitchen LOL! U MAD?” Serena then sets out on an epic quest to take revenge on Space Prince’s balls with her boots.

Serena of Ultionus is out to stomp some dick in.

Serena of Ultionus is out to stomp some dick in.

The game starts with a side scrolling space shoot ’em up, one that highly rewards frantically pressing the fire button as quickly as possible. Though fun, this scene is short and has only one purpose: to cause Serena’s ship to get damaged and crash land on a planet. Being a long time Galaga player, it wasn’t hard for me to perfectly run through this sequence and get to a part where random beams of light come at you without warning just to finally make you crash. I’m not a big fan of being railroaded, and this was no exception; really the whole scene could have been done with a cinematic for all that the player’s input really matters.

Once on the planet, the real game begins. Serena is quickly railroaded, once again, into journeying below the icy surface she landed on into depths containing factories, jungles and treacherous waters. The game is on a whole, platformer-lite – while one can certainly blitz through the game with very little platforming, navigating the more difficult paths lead to various rewards and ultimately a better ending for the game. While the platformer elements aren’t particularly challenging, they are unforgiving in that usually once you’ve fallen from your path, there’s no way to get back to it without dying and/or starting from the beginning. Luckily, there are some good breaks, such as a level where you ride a Goddamned dinosaur.

Ultionus god damn dinosaur ride!

I’m on a dino! I’m on a dino! Take a good hard look at the motherfucking dino!

The rewards for successfully platforming on the various levels come in the form of weapon and armor upgrades, most (or maybe all, haven’t gotten them all) of which have some sort of visual indicator on the character either when in use or at all times. The only two items one really “needs” to beat the game are the laser pistol and anti-gravity boots you find at the beginning of the game; everything else you find is gravy on top of that. Throughout the levels there are coins to find and shops to spend your points at, and these shops are where you do the majority of your gearing up. Each level of Ultionus ends with a SNES style boss that goes through a sequence of attacks that are thwarted by quick reflexes and memory, all of which are fun and unique.

Ultionus crab boss!

Got crabs?

The difficulty of the game as a whole I feel is spot on. There isn’t a huge difference between easy and normal modes, other than easy gives you infinite lives and normal monsters are slightly tougher. There are higher difficulties, but I’ve yet to try them; seeing as I’ve beaten the game twice I don’t yet have much desire to go through a third. The game is rather short, unless you’re a total fucking achievement whore, the game can be reasonably played through within an hour. Unfortunately, there isn’t a whole lot of replay value, but the first play(s) you do are certainly enjoyable.

Ultionus game over!

Awkward indeed.

Ultimately, Ultionus gives us a good retro action-adventure with some platformer and shoot ’em up elements for at least a few plays. If I had one major gripe about the game, it would be the complete inability to shoot directly up. Being a satire of the scantly clad heroines of old, it’s sure to piss off people who just don’t get it. If if there’s anything we here at Good Ole Gamers enjoy, it’s pissing people off.

Good Ole Score: 7 out of 10.

Good Ole Score: 7 out of 10.

Pros:

  • Humorous take on the old scantily clad heroine stereotype.
  • Humorous and unique story.
  • Classic action-adventure style gameplay.
  • Classic retro style graphics.
  • Difficulty settings that encompass most skill levels.
  • Fun SNES style boss fights.
  • Great soundtrack.

Meh:

  • Making a mistake on the platforming elements gives no chance to backtrack and regain ground lost.
  • First level (Level 0) of the game serves little purpose and has a forced-death.
  • No indication that one should be searching for coins and shops throughout the game.

Cons:

  • Serena’s distinct lack of ability to shoot up.
  • Serena’s distinct lack of ability to move and shoot at the same time.
  • Relatively short game.
Brandon

About Brandon

Brandon (AKA Maphreal) belongs to the dynamic duo of podcasters here at Good Ole Gamers and is a proud member of the Glorious PC Gaming Master Race.

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